An Actual Idiots Guide To Find The Best Position (Offence)

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Will EllisBlog
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With the offseason looming and, fingers crossed, return to play in 2021 you may be taking the time to try a new position or, if you are new to all this, choosing a position. Below I will breakdown each position to help you decide which one is best for you.


Everyone knows what a quarterback is, but do you have the required strengths to play the position? Most people will think important skills include good arm strength, a technique to throw a ball and reading of the game. However, they would be wrong. The most important skill of all is fearing contact – at all training sessions, you will wear a different coloured shirt to the rest of the offence, which means you cannot be hit or tackled by the defence. You will get bonus points if you become a gobby little twat, and chat shit to the defence knowing full well you cannot get hit. Another important skill is the ability to over throw the ball to a receiver but blames the receiver for your error. Finally, all-male QBs love to sit down to take a piss, if this is something you are no comfortable with, QB is not for you.

Photo credit: Alexander Schimmeck


In college football, the O-line are usually the smartest students, many go on to great things in the medical and engineering professions of their choice. However, in Britball, it comes down to the size of your girth and your ability to eat pre-game doughnuts. Important skills include staying still until you hear a noise, picking up a QB after he has been smashed by the guy you were blocking and, if you play centre, not having a clue what is going on. The biggest benefit of being on the O-line, is that you are guaranteed a spot on one of the 5 side-line chairs.

football players on football field
Photo credit: Keith Johnston

Wide Reciever

Can you run in a straight line? Are you able to avoid catching a ball when you hear footsteps behind you? Then wide receiver may be best for you! Other important skills include the ability to talk smack to the opposite sideline, catch the ball for a 1-yard gain, only to stand up and flex your non-existent muscles and bicep bands, and should you get a first down, stand up and point the rest of your team in the direction they are going. 

man catching brown football on stadium
Photo credit: Chris Moore

Running Back & Full Back

Backs come in many shapes and sizes: small and fast – running back, small and slow – full back. Backs have the difficult jobs of gaining 3 yards on a play where they get the ball. They need to have the ability to be told one thing but do another. Important skills also include a fondness of small holes and the view of arses, the ability to drop the ball when tackled by a defensive back, and the love of going on an adventure on passing plays. If you love Lord of the Rings then running back is probably for you.

baseball player holding ball while running on field
Photo credit: Keith Johnston

Tight End

If you are lanky, slow and can catch then I am in no doubt that Tight End is the position for you. Standing next to the o-line you are classed as a hybrid between a lineman and a wide receiver. Roles can also include blocking, but as you never train with the line, and always the receivers, you cannot be expected to block that well. Tight Ends usually do not have any friends, as in truth, you’re are a bit of an enigma. However, at the team Christmas party you are usually the last man standing. Important skills required are the ability to complete the cinnamon challenge, sit at the middle of the bus on away days wishing you where defence and to leave post-game without a shower.

Photo Credit: Arizona Daily Star

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